If you only knew!

You say you love someone, that is how you feel! You can’t love someone if you haven’t first loved you! Open your eyes, it isnt always real!

Love is like a fantasy that most will never have, so why don’t you come have a little dance with me and I’ll tell you how to survive! We think we love someone, because they make us feel special, they make us feel new! Those feelings aren’t always true!

The day my eyes opened!

The day my eyes opened, I realized I wasn’t living life for myself. I lived it for three husbands, a few lovers, and a few rescues I should never have gotten tangled up with.

I walked down the highway, in the dark. Headlights of a semi bearing down, honest to God. Blood dripping from my hand, and I thought “Bitch, what the fuck are you doing? Get the fuck out of the road! Nobody’s worth that.” I can’t keep taking the meds that made me a mechanical human. Get up, go to work, no questions asked, make people happy, don’t ask why, never ask why, just do what I’m supposed to. The medicine makes you numb, you feel miserable about yourself. You are antisocial, you are only worth what they say you’re worth, because of what you do for them. I called myself a bitch so I could realize that it is exactly what I was being, everyone’s bitch. This pill makes me numb but I stop eating, that one makes my tummy stop hurting, another one makes me run when I eat what I’m not supposed to.

I’m done doing what everybody else thinks I’m supposed to. I’m finished being a door stop!

I am me, there is not another like me! So what’s so wrong with me?

People in general want what they want! Most times they’ll do what ever it takes to get what they want! No matter if you want it too!  People in general will manipulate you to get what they want too!  What about what I want? Doesn’t it matter!  It took me years to realize that I can say NO! Not everyone will like me! Not everyone has to like me! That’s okay!

Im not everyone’s cup of Tea! Some like hot tea, some like it cold! Me I like it with a little touch of Raspberry on ice!  Some people don’t like tea at all!

The night I walked down the road in tears, is the beginning of my life outside of the box! The start of a life that was handed to me! Because my old life had been so abruptly taken away!   Overnight my life went from what you would call normal to a life most people turn their nose up to!  I’m a survivor, a night walker a beautiful lady that stands tall!  Well as tall as I can in my 5 foot 4inch stature!

I’m hoping that my story might help others to see, see that women like me are amazing people too! I’m just unique in my ways and special to boot! I will survive and rise above again! I am like the Phoenix! Burnt alive to fly out of the ashes of doom as a beautiful new creature to start a again!

Living my own terms!

Question: why can’t I just live on my own terms? Why do I have to live yours too? Why are my terms wrong and yours correct? Why do I have to make you happy, why can’t I be happy to? We try to make other people do what we want them to do. Why do we do that?
For years I will manipulated my words to make them work for me and I realize that that was so stupid why do I have to have someone else opinion. If you like I do I like it it makes me happy I never feel guilty I never feel bad about myself. When I feel bad about myself, it’s ysyally because I’ve alliwed someone else opinion of me matter!
Now do you see what I’m talking about? I would never feel guilty if I didn’t allow what you think to matter. So on my own terms I cannot allow you to create a reaction that you desire, it causes my mind pain!

I’m going back to the start so I take it began to her. I was very sick little girl I threw up a lot I screamed in pain at night. Begging for my mom to come and rub my back I rub my hand rub my feet, because they hurt so very much! They ran tests and more tests! They come back to say, we can’t figure out what’s wrong with her! She has a sensitive stomach, sensitive skin! Don’t do this , don’t do that!
Don’t let her cry so much, make her learn! Shut that kid up or I’ll toss her out! I love throw her out of the speed boat in the middle of the seaweed pit! Let it tangle around her legs and pull her under! Is it a trick?
Your mind creates demons, that say you are bad! Those thoughts race through your brain over and over again! Your demons can make You very very sick!
My body knew that I couldn’t defend myself, to the things that were happening! I didn’t have the words yet, I didn’t know if this was right or wrong I couldn’t compare something that I knew nothing about! Aren’t we supposed to be thrown out of moving things? It didn’t feel right, but I better not ask! Because it was what made him happy! So my body started to tell, by making me sick and demanding attention! I threw up everything, they started calling me Stinky Poo! No one bothered to go from there! Give me pills and shut me up! Shut up or you’ll feel the sting!

Should’ve done that!

A lot of time in my life has been spent with regret. I wished I would’ve done this but I wish I could’ve done that. I always wondered why life was so hard, I looked around and it didn’t seem quite as bad for some, at least not like it was for me. I learned at an early age to never tell! Never tell anyone anything. Keep your mouth shut and children aren’t supposed to be heard, only seen! You’re opinion wasn’t wanted and your thoughts never mattered! Just shut the fuck up and get in the corner!  I had a very vivid imagination about crazy things all around. At night I would see things float around my room like ghosts and goblins in all kinds of goons! One time I think I might have saw a baboon! Lol

I asked and wondered what it would be like to have a mom and dad that never had to fight. I watched as she became week and no longer had a voice she didn’t stand up for herself or us, I wondered if she had a choice. We all have choices, yes we do we make good ones and bad ones, some make us happy, some make us blue! 

And all reality we all know what is true! It’s true that everything in our life makes us who we are I’ve become to understand that so much better as I ride around in the car! 

These tiny little feet of mine!

These feet of mine, have stood their time, we’ve walked thousands of miles together, you and I!

We walked until we could no more! Oh poor little feet of mine are sore! Experience comes when knowledge is had!

 

Notes

I spent the first part of my life doing whatever everybody else wanted me to do. I’ve been called selfish, but I look back, and people I thought were my friends left me doubting myself.  People can do that to you, if you let them. Selfish people call you selfish. So one day, something changed in my mind. I realized that some people will tell you whatever you want to hear to get what they want. And they will do whatever they want.

There are certain people who I let get too close to me, because I didn’t know better. Each one of them are master manipulators. I don’t know if it’s genetics, how we are raised, or if some people are just evil.

Experiencing these people has allowed me to open up my mind. I now think, for once, this is bullshit. Why are you making everyone else happy, instead of making yourself happy? I worked myself sick, just to give someone else something they wanted, that they didn’t have.  Why didn’t I take myself out to dinner? Why didn’t I go have a mani/pedi when I wanted. Maybe I needed to become a little of what I was being accused of by the narcissists.